innocent-one

its hard loving someone from afar. even though you may now know it. you still love them. it hurts for every other person they talk to you about. its hard seeing them with someone else. its hard just sitting there thinking about that person and knowing you can't do anything about it. its hard looking at old pictures you two have both shared. its hard thinking about those special days, the box with all the memories you both shared. its hard thinking that you are finally over that person, that you have closure. then all of a sudden they suddenly have those feelings for you, or they suddenly appear in your life in a bigger way. its hard when all

im her BESST im her BOOK OF ANSWERS im his MS. WEIRD GIRL im his BASTARD-ETTE im his FOOL im their FRIEND im their SISTER im their ATE im their MOTHER im their DAUGHTER im their LONG-LOST FRIEND im their MOVIE-FREAK im their CONFIDANT im their HOME-GIRL im their BUDDY im their GIRL-NEXT-DOOR im their ADVISOR im their PSYCHIATRIST im their SUPER-WO-MAN im their HOMIE im their STUDENT butt....im no one's girl.

could it be... have i really fallen? fallen in love... or could it be... my pain, my angre.. desguised as one? my emotions aren't clear. they never were, i guess they never will be. but could it be... having lost myself to you that made me like this? could it be... my foolish thoughts that made me turn from you? could it be... my heart telling me to say no? to say yes? im a big mess, left alone, in broken pieces... with no knowledge of what to do. could it be... im helpless for you.

does it hurt? i don't know... yes, no what does pain mean? relief...anger? the feeling of lonliness? is it regrets? forgive me for asking, but what am i to do? confusion... desparation... depression... my words, what do they mean? my emotions, what do they feel? my actions, what do they say? im so un-sure sure of what? one thing, two things, three things... all? do i need to be heard? do i need to be seen? do i need to be held? do i need to be felt? do i need to be understood? i don't know... you tell me.

as i hug myself, i walk down that lonely street that lonely street... even that sentance speaks volumes volumes of how i miss being with you... as i hug myself, i cry cry endlessly into the night where no one hears me where no one feels the heartache of not being able to talk to you as i hug myself, memories of you flood back to me... the good, the bad, the everything we used to have as i hug myself, i wish you were still here....

i did it again... my life is screwed. it's because of me, it's because of my FOOLISH decsion. why did i have to do it again!? why did i have to hurt myself?! this hurts, my body, mind and heart... i took it out on you again, my anger, my frustration. i did it again...